Controversy Over The Movie “Validation”

See, the film “Validation” has an inherent challenge in its content and approach. The controversial point is that we “shouldn't” need other peoples' Validation to feel better about ourselves.

The idea is that our sense of self-worth, our ability to feel good about ourselves, our ability to be happy should be driven *internally* by ourselves. We shouldn't need the opinions and feedback of others to do that for us.

This is a valid point.

And, at the same time it doesn't acknowledge the reality of our lives and how the world works. When we're young, we look to our peers, authority figures, teachers, parents for understanding who we are. It's a natural part of our development as people.

Without that mirroring, without being seen, we would actually be lost and not develop our sense of self-identity. In this way, it's actually *essential* that we receive other peoples' validation when we are young.

The challenge arises when the mirroring is based primarily on what people perceive us to be… and not on who we uniquely are.

This happens when people told that we were pretty or handsome just to make us feel good without acknowledging the beauty within…

It also happened when people told us we were worthless or ugly, again without acknowledging the beauty within…

It happens when people tell us we're smart (or stupid) without looking at our unique qualities of brilliance….

Did you know experts have identified 9 different types of intelligence? 

So for us to be validated (or not) on just one or two of those means that we are NOT seen for the other half-dozen or more kinds of intelligence that we may possess.

This happens when we're told that we are “bad” after doing something that was not acceptable…

Rather than see us as inherently good, loving, well-intentioned (albeit probably self-serving)… the people we trusted put us into a little “box” of labels that tell us who we are, and sometimes in not-so-kind terms.

In other words, throughout our lives people validated and valued us in objectifying ways through their biased lenses. They didn't completely see who we really are underneath the actions, underneath the words… the person within.

This happens to ALL of us in different ways.

Sometimes big ways like the examples above. Sometimes more subtle ways. The thing is, every single one of us grows up being told who and what we are, and it's by people who aren't fully in touch with themselves -and consequently- it means that they don't have an accurate view of us either.

The result is that this distorts the “mirror” and causes us to develop a false sense of self-esteem. Or as another commenter wrote, it becomes our sense of “someone-else-esteem” because we become the person that OTHERS tell us we are and who we “should” be.

We start trying to act in accordance with other people want, need, and expect of us. We do it based on those historical mis-judgments that other people made about us.

And most of us still do it in our adult lives as a means for survival. After all, if we're too “weird” then maybe we'll get fired from the job, our partner will break up with us, our friends will stop spending time with us, or whatever other example we think of.

In other words, the reason we crave and feel we need external validation from others is because our sense of self-esteem was externally developed by people who didn't truly know what healthy self-esteem was.

The thing is, as adults we become more self-aware and realize that other people don't actually know who we are. Heck, half the time we're still learning how to discover who we are! 🙂

When this happens, we begin to believe we “shouldn't” have to receive positive opinions, we shouldn't have to be “validated” by other people.

We begin to believe all the spiritual teachers and gurus who say we should be “happy for no reason” or that our love, happiness, and enjoyment of life “should” not be dependent upon what others think about us.

That sounds good, doesn't it?

When we can do that, we enter into a new level of freedom. When we can integrate it into our lives, when we can truly live in ways where our state of happiness, peace, joy, and love are driven from our internal experiences… then we can understand what it means to have healthy “self-esteem.”

BUT…

What people DON'T tell you is that even having your inner state be unconditionally driven is not the whole Truth about what it means to be “validated.” The above when taken as a belief will contain deep seeds of UN-truth.

Yes, even if you're unconditionally happy and loving for no reason, there will still be a very valid and empowering reason to have “validation” present in your life.

And since this blog post is already pretty darn long, We'll share with you in a future post a little more about uprooting the un-Truth about unconditional happiness and love…

So that we can find the deeper Truths surrounding being “validated” by other people.